How to Kill Ram Gopal Varma

How to Kill Ram Gopal Varma

I never understood why Lord Balaji refrained from killing RGV after the release of Govinda Govinda. Some research on Hinduism indicated that killing is normally taken care of by Lord Shiva who for obvious reasons is quite pleased with RGV :) Well, only until 2006. I’m puzzled why Lord Shiva has not changed his mind after “Shiva 2006″.

Probably “protector” Vishnu (a.k.a Balaji) protected him for having made an even worse movie in the name of his counterpart. Gods aside, there could be quite a few people from the film industry who would ponder upon the option of killing RGV. It could be followers of Paritala Ravi for having shown Suri with a six-pack, or the followers of Suri for having not shown Ravi with a receding hairline in Rakht Charitra. Or may be the fans of some actor who just assume that the person with tonsured head depicted in the movie is their matinee idol. Considering the broadmindedness of people, the reasons could be even less serious. It could very well be a disgruntled TFI director whose name was included in the director-bashing song in his latest film “Katha-Screenplay-Darshakatvam: Appalaraju” or may be a thoroughly eligible director whose name was not included in the song :-) Above all, the impulsive reaction of any individual after watching “RGV KI AAG” would be to kill him. In fact, most of us wanted to torture him in an unimaginable way before killing him after stepping out of the theater. And there are dozens/hundreds or more of people who watched the film :-) After all “Prateekarame Parama Sopaanam” (Quoted in Mahabharat, Cited in Rakht charitra). Some how, quite miraculously, RGV survives, triumphs and continues to bombard people with his partly brilliant and completely gibberish movies.

The more I think about it, the more I’m convinced that RGV cannot be killed. I am in the industry and I can feel his presence everywhere. I come across number of wannabe directors and technicians who cite him as their inspiration. And there are countless number of nameless/faceless bloggers and internet jockeys who root for him. His admirers claim that he single-handedly changed the course of Tollywood ever since he made Shiva in 1989, and that Telugu cinema promptly returned to the pre-RGV mould once he left the scene. I do not have substantial counter-argument to raise my voice about this, Though I still want to kill RGV.

When it comes to the song on TFI directors. Many claim that the song is a light-hearted attempt and starts of taking a dig at RGV himself. One needs lots of guts for Self-Deprecating and to laugh at himself. Not everyone can poke fun at themselves as part of good hearted humor. And looks like RGV once again has set the trend in terms of openness and opening up more genres. With this act, I might be a little convinced and so might be the directors of TFI. But somehow i still have this niggling feeling within me to kill him.

I then see all these TV channels making an issue out of Rakht Charitra. They start predicting how people would react after watching the movie without even watching the trailer. He is a film maker after all and has the every right to make films on the subjects that impress him or inspire him. If RGV has to be killed for making Rakht Charitra, so has to be with Richard Attenborough for “Gandhi (1982)” or Rajkumar Santoshi for “The legend of Bhagat Singh (2002)”. Here am not talking about heroes or leaders but about characters or stories that inspire a maker to film them. The rationalist in me wants to side with RGV. How can someone protest against something without even knowing what it is ? Why can’t they wait till the release of the film ? I think every Tom, Dick and Harry wants to steal the limelight just by using up RGV. Love him or Hate him but people cannot stop talking about him. Is this RGV’s charm and charisma that make TV channels deliberately dish out more and more stories on him ? I’m not sure. I would really hate to believe all this or may be I just have to believe.

May be RGV is not a person but a persona. Upon further retrospection, I begin to question my anguish against Aag. As a viewer I have every right to ridicule and reject Aag. My anguish was worth a few hundred hard earned rupees and few hours of my time. I begin to wonder how much longer RGV would have spent in brainstorming, grooming the script, talking to people and convince three national award winning actors to act in the movie. And am sure RGV never intended to make a shoddy remake of Indian Cinema’s greatest hit. Probably its just an idea gone amiss for reasons that no person on this planet could possibly explain ? Yet again, I do not have an answer. I do not feel like killing him anymore. Because it just may not be possible.

You can kill a person but not his ideas. “Aadmi ko Marne se Soch nahi Martha” (as quoted in SARKAR). How true !

RGV has gone past the point where he is a normal human. He is a persona, an influence, a thought process and kind of a renaissance. To cut-short the story, I may never be able to kill RGV, now i really think the idea of killing him would be absurd. To me RGV is immortal.

If anyone reading this post of mine is still interested in killing RGV, I might have a few pointers. You really don’t have to waste a bullet, or a Kg of RDX, or money hiring a professional killer. I have observed him very closely over the past five, six years. Be it morning, noon, evening or midnight, he talks only cinema. He eats and drinks cinema for sure, though I choose to maintain my dignified silence about the sleeping part :) He’s like a “One Tera Hertz ulti-multi-tasking processor” continuously thinking, texting, mailing, tweeting, doodling and scribbling while talking to people and even while directing his movies. Looking at his processing speed and memory capability, I think he can beat out Shankar’s Robo and become ROBO Gopal Varma. Based on the intelligence I gathered from his behavioral patters over the years, I think the only way to kill RGV is to isolate him from his only love i.e, Movies. He should be sent to the Jungle where he shot “Agyaat” where there is no access to any bloody thing, or, even better, RGV should be locked down in a fully furnished house with all amenities except for anything related to media and communications. No paper, no pen, no movies, no books, no
blackberry, no twitter no nothing. And most importantly no one around with even a remote connection or knowledge about Cinema. If executed correctly, this would be the best way to kill RGV. However, if the plan goes wrong, the results could be catastrophic. Upon coming out, RGV would come up with something we dread the most. Yes, a movie based on his own experiences in that ill-connected house using weird angles, scary close-ups and ghostly-ghastly shadows. And it does not stop there. He would continue to make a sequel if the movie becomes a hit and rename it with a different title if it flops. You can neither run nor hide.

Finally… had there been no RGV, there would not be tacky movies, whacky storylines, bold interviews, funny comments, exciting TV channel stories, controversies (lots of them), unpredictable blog, predictable reactions and unedited Reactions to Reactions. Without RGV, it would have never occurred to me to write this and all you bummers from across the world would not read this useless senseless “simply sodhi” of mine about a person who makes equally bad movies.

Enough of reading and go get your cup of tea or a mug of beer if handy

Writen by Bhanu Avirineni (leading publicity designer in telugu film industry)

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